It is a boring song but it works every time.

err surgery june 14th, i am having it

thanks for support babelands, it means worlds and universes to me. i like trying to document what’s going on with me and doctors so i remember and so other people with vulvodynia trying to find treatments can find it, but i know it’s not easy reading about your friends having a hard time. i couldn’t figure out why i was so upset about this comparatively small incident of cortizoning but i think i was just completely unprepared and wanted more closure in the appointment than i got … i feel optimistic about the surgery, i still hate doctors but i’m gonna try to see another dr for a second opinion about the surgery next week who i heard is nice and not a “male gynecologist”

straws TW: gynecology

i had a consultation with the gynecologist last week about surgery. i meet him and he looks at me and then he says surgery might be all that i can do. i’m so happy but scared because it’s the first time a dr has told me that they really can’t think of anything else besides surgery, like it’s that bad. then he says, one more thing, we have to try cortisone shots in my “vaginal tissue” first. i’m like, yeah now? and he’s like, it’ll only take a second, if it hurts later today you just put ice on it. i leave and i’m dizzy and almost falling over so i go to the waiting room and put my head between my knees and i’m wearing these stupid fucking “highwaisted stretchy jeans” that are riding up in my crotch which is now pulsing and i go next door to the store and sit on the floor looking at “sweatpants,” cancel something i had to do later, buy sweatpants, change in the store, waddle out, take the fucking train, think about all the things they don’t tell you hurt that much, my friend having a colposcopy and going back to work because they didn’t tell her it would pinch and cramp, what they didn’t tell people about abortions, bleeding for months, i don’t know why they don’t tell you it’s going to be bad. it was a good thing i didn’t have to go back to work that day or i would be furious, i lie down with an icepack under me for two days and then a day at work and then i can’t sleep and i’m constipated for days and i look it up because i don’t know what’s wrong with me and that’s a side-effect of steroid shots and i didn’t even know. then he says the shots could save from the surgery, if I “feel better,” but he doesn’t tell me how often i’d have to get them or when or long term side effects, like he’s ready to plan the vestibulectomy but he wants the shots to work, making it sound like surgery is so bad that even fucking shots of steroids into my vagina on a regular basis are better than that, and i wouldn’t want a doctor who didn’t want to to do it operating on me. i just want to cut it out and get it over with— but what’s scary is there’s no way to really cut it out anymore, it all has complications— and that’s why i’m scared, there’s no way for my body not to have to change.

i’m going back to the dr in a week and i’m so mad i have to wait even that long to find out if he’ll be the person who can do the surgery, and figure out how long it takes to get these fucking steroids out of my system, i just want them to be honest. to tell you exactly what they’re doing, and what will happen, if they’d have to do it again, what side effects are. but honestly, they don’t have time, because even in appointments that involve minor procedures, drs still can only spend 15 minutes. 

i don’t know why these stupid injections feel like the last straw as i’m sure there’ll be another one but i think it’s disrespectful to not tell someone you might do a procedure right there. especially since it was a dr i didn’t even know. like they think because you have a chronic condition you’ve already consigned your body over to anything. the sad thing is, for most of the people i know with vulvodynia, it’s true that we’re ready to try anything, because that’s how diseases with no cures work. but they should have the fucking decency to tell you what it is. and you can’t tell them you’re mad, because it’s scary to start disagreements with people who operate on you. 

JFK had prostatis

p.s. haha ok there’s one thing about them that’s not funny. if you have vulvodynia and/or pelvic floor dysfunction and/or pudendal neuralgia they’re actually really helpful especially if you can’t tolerate a lot of the creams  

nothing about being prescribed to stick valium suppositories up your vagina is not funny

-why isn’t there someone with a fetish who wants to pay to watch me do this, it is literally the most pornographic thing i have ever done. early 20th century gynecological practice fetishes, anyone?

-see “valley of the dolls” x those porns of vaginas smoking cigarettes

-simultaneously suppositories are “elderly”

-simultaneously bourgie

-simultaneously cyborg

shout-out to all the humanoids who feel like they have been baptized by the rain manna of heaven when they poop after being constipated for dayz

what if i just walk around with an ice pack permanently stuck under my leggings instead

pain management

doctor: Look at your body like a bank. You can make investments, take out withdrawals, make deposits and try not to overdraft.

Stages of Death and Dying the same for Chronic Illness?

chroniccurve:

How many of you know of the Five Steps of Grief proposed by the renowned psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross?

Proposed in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying,” she explores the various stages people go through after being diagnosed with a terminal illness or experiencing the death of a loved one.Stages that I have found to be the exact ones I am myself going through dealing with a chronic illness: Denial and isolation; Anger; Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Examining the stages of grief and the cessation of mourning.

Read More

YES, i was just thinking about this today. i feel relieved to read that i was not alone in extended levels of denial. of course this is different, but when i was first diagnosed with vulvodynia and pelvic pain i thought that it would go away eventually and that i would be able to return to my former life in some amount of time if i just ignored it. ended up learning that nerve pain begets other pain and becomes even harder to treat.

last night my vulvodynia support group kept making puns about things being “double-edged swords”